House of Swank

The Shark, It Has Been Jumped

I admit it, I've been a fan of Dancing With the Stars since I discovered it in Season 2.  Because how can you not be drawn to watching Jerry Springer do the foxtrot?  My only real regret was that I missed the first show of Season 2, because I wanted to see Kenny Mayne try to dance.

But now, I fear that the show has dived to depths too deep for me, because I really don't give a crap about any of the stars they've signed for the show.  I mean really, a Spice Girl, a boxer I've never heard of, and the boring half of Donnie and Marie?  I suppose I could get behind Wayne Newton, but I don't even know that I can stomach watching the show until Mark Cuban is out of there.

Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Unveiling the Dark Lord

I think everyone who has lived somewhere outside of their parents' home knows that the first rule of real estate is "location, location, location."

For Sweetie and I the first requirement of location be that the neighborhood have a soul.  Some life and energy about it.  Which, basically, translates to "older, established neighborhood."  For the longest time I figured the things I hated so much about the modern "neighborhood" is the fact that there are no trees (because the construction company razed them, rather than building around them), and the fact that all of the houses are identical and RIGHTONTOPOFEACHOTHER.

Today I learned the deeper problem, that prevents the trees and the diversity and the life in the neighborhood.

It's the darn homeowner's association.

My parents live in a neighborhood with an HOA.  Which is perfect and fine for them (Hi Mom and Dad!), but I would slit my wrists if I had to settle here permanently, and not just because of the despicable commute for my Sweetie.  But good gosh, just thinking about the rules they have causes me major distress.

For example:

• You are not allowed to park a camper or trailer outside of your home for more than three days, because they are an eyesore.  You must pay to store it somewhere else.  God forbid we have people who like travel a lot living in our midst!
• A neighbor chose to paint their house a SLIGHTLY different shade of beige than what it was (because beige is the only color allowed in these areas).  The HOA found out, and tried to slap them with a fine.  All of the neighbors had to lobby to have the fine lifted.
• A different neighbor used to have a white picket fence in front of his house.  The American dream in action.  But it wasn't allowed in the rules, and they were taking him to court, so he opted to remove it.
• My parents have a small storage shed in their back yard.  While constructing it they had to hope and pray that the HOA didn't catch wind, because the small shed that matches their house exactly is technically illegal.  Can't have people wanting to park their cars in the garage AND do yardwork!

Although I don't agree with any of these silly rules, I can accept that there are people who choose to live in such a neighborhood, so as to keep things looking nice and all.  But the one I learned about today, that really pushed me over the edge:

• If you have persistent brown spots on your lawn they can fine you for not keeping up your yard.  I shudder to think what would happen if you didn't water your lawn during the summer.

So, basically, they are REQUIRING everyone in the neighborhood to be environmentally irresponsible by forcing them to keep green lawns throughout the summer.  Which is pretty and all, but awfully wasteful of water.  And I've seen plenty of people who let their lawns die off in the heat of summer, where it looks just fine.  Not as lush and green as a golf course, but well kept and appropriate for the hot days outside.

Seriously, I don't understand people sometimes.

Simplicity

A mere 25 years after the brainwashing began about how women need to take care of their skin, I finally have myself a skin care routine that I actually follow and works for my skin.

Yep, even with a good 8 years of acne so bad I had to take drugs, getting me to properly cleanse my face was a feat of magic. 

The secret to my success:  Philosophy Purity Made Simple cleanser.  The reason it's revolutionized my life:  that's pretty much the whole regime right there.

For as long as I can remember the skin care routines that I have been told I must follow are filled with many convoluted and complicated steps.  We must cleanse, tone, buff, and do all sorts of other scary things many times a day.

Now:  I was my face before I get in the shower in the morning.  That's it.  Easy as pie.

Then, when I get out of the shower, I moisturize.  Then I'm done with it, and don't need to worry about it again until tomorrow.  (And, between you and me, sometimes I forget to moisturize.  I'm getting better, but these lifestyle changes take time).

At first, the cost of the things sort of scared me.  I am not rich.  Paying $30 to clean my face seemed a bit exorbitant.  But a little goes a long way, and 4 months since plopping down my first payment towards my skincare, and I'm not even halfway through the bottle.

Look out.  Next thing you know I'll be wearing foundation.

Harry Potter and the Neverending Sequels

Done.

When we moved in with the parents a few weeks ago I started re-reading the Harry Potter series, so as to be prepared for the 7th book.  Apparently looking for a job and living with your parents provides a lot of time for reading, and I finished Deathly Hallows this afternoon.  I have to say it was my least favorite of the books.

The books have a pattern and pace to them that I really enjoy.  You start with the summer, where the days are loose and lazy, and you can spend all sorts of time lining up all the necessary elements for the plot to play out.  There will be some tension, that will be played out later, but mostly it's just setting the table.

Once the school year starts, there is a rhythm and pattern that must be followed.  Despite whatever excitement there is in the world of witches and wizards there are classes and Quidditch matches and Hogsmeade weekends that set the pace of the school, and necessitate a certain pace in the lives of the students.  Tension builds, but at a reasonable pace, because as much as you might want to be out there fighting the dark forces, you've got essays to write and tests to study for and detentions to slog through.  And with Fred and George Weasley and Peeves the Poltergeist around, you are guaranteed plenty of comic relief to keep things light and easy on the soul.

But then the battle arrives, and you are thrown into it full force.  As much as I can usually pace myself during the books, once the battle arrives I know I am done for.  I must sit down and read until the end.  There will be moments when you think this will be the end, but eventually the good side comes out ahead, thanks to all of those lessons that were learned in school this year.  Which is all conveniently spelled out for us once the battle is over, usually thanks to our favorite Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

But the final book went and messed with that strategy.  No going back to school, so none of that lightness to keep you happy and carefree while knowing the battle was coming.  Just two to three friends wandering through the forest in the rain and snow.  Fighting, and battling evil, and not having any fun at all. 

All leading up to the standard big battle at the end.  Which started out to be the biggest, baddest battle of them all.  I loved how Dumbledore's Army was growing itself, and just waiting for there chance to get in on the action.  The finding of Ravenclaw's artifact was genius, and I did like that this book allowed both Draco and Dudley some redemption in the end.

But then we get to the big, crucial bits of the battle.  Where Harry has to fight Voldemort mano e mano so that good can triumph over evil.  We're prepared for it, and know the basics of what's going to happen.  But now we interrupt the biggest, baddest battle ever to be seen for a sideline into Snape's memories.  Because he must be redeemed.  And we get past that, and they're there and about to engage in battle, and let's have our handy little wrap-up in one nice little package right now, with Dumbledore, in Harry's mind, the bad guy can wait.  Really messed with the pacing of the whole thing.

And then you've got a handy epilogue, opening up the doors to a never ending stream of sequels.  Because now we have Potter's offspring to send through Hogwarts.  And then they'll probably go and have kids.  And so on, and so on, ad infinitum. 

A Major Award!

Well, apparently the ballots are in, and I'm a winner in the Craft Magazine Stitch n' Pitch Contest.

If you want details, go to the link, read what's there, and you'll know as much as I do, as I only KNOW I'm a winner at the moment because I've gotten some hits from that webpage.  I'm sure I'll fill y'all in with details as they come available.

Defining Our Terms

A note to people trying to sell homes, and their real estate agents:

When I read the term "unfinished basement" I expect that there will be stairs to an area under the house with a concrete floor and concrete walls and really small, crappy windows that you can't see through and probably can't open.  There may or may not be some framing for walls in place.  There is probably a corner where there is a washer and dryer and probably a hot water heater as well.  A great place for storage, with the potential to throw some carpeting down and drywall up to make it additional living space.

When you are claiming that there are 880 square feet of "unfinished basement," and actually calculating that into the total square footage of your home, I do NOT expect to open a door in the kitchen to find an eight foot drop to a very small amount of concrete and a very large amount of dirt.  I do not expect to find holes on the outside where windows ought to be, but really there's just a sheet of plywood lying in front of the hole to try to prevent anyone from crawling in.

That is not an unfinished basement.  What it is is a safety hazard.  At the very least you should have the door locked, and a warning that the first step down is a doozy.

Good Riddance!

And so it turns out that Michael Vick is the lying, scheming, evil sack of shit that we've suspected him of being since the whole dogfighting thing came to light.

But I just learned this evening that the guy also can't spell.  I mean, seriously, "Bad Newz Kennels"?  That's just stupid.

And the NFL Commissioner is going to make him pay the price for all of that.

Under the Covers

If you know me, and know my taste in music, you know that I am obsessed with the cover tune.  Here are two reasons why:

A new favorite group

and

Ben Folds channels Dr Dre (NSFW)

In Tiki We Trust

I have now, officially, named my fantasy football team for the year.

Since I have lost the one decent player I had on my team to retirement, I’ve decided to devote my entire team to all other things tiki this year.  Meaning, when not cursing tiki idols to plant on other players so that they face nothing but bad luck, I’ll be sitting drowning my sorrows in fruity rum drinks at the tiki bar.

And, if that’s not good enough for you, when you type my team name into google images, this is the first photo that comes up.  So I am officially naming Tiki the santa bird my mascot, and perhaps by the end of the season I’ll have him playing wide receiver.

Parking Lot Love

I fell in love with a parking garage last night.  So if any friends or family are planning on flying into PDX soon, I'm willing to pick you up at the airport.

It's the most high-tech garage I have ever seen in my life, and I'm surprised no one figured all of this out earlier.

From the outset, it looks like your standard airport parking garage.  Take a ticket, go up a ramp, pick a floor to exit the ramp on, and go in search of a spot.  The only difference at first is a plea to "follow the green arrow."  I figured it was like I've seen in garages before, where it will tell you if the level if full and you need to keep on going.

It is that and so much more.

When you get to an exit of the ramp, there is not only a green arrow if there is space available on the level, but it actually lists a number telling you how many spaces are available.  Then, when you have to choose whether to go to the left or right, there are more arrows telling you how many spaces are available in each direction.  Each row you come to; another arrow, another listing of availability.

This alone would have been kind of cool, kind of fun, helpful to have at the holidays when the garage is packed.  But then they took it one step further.

Above each parking spot is a sensor with a light attached.  If there is a car parked there, the light is red.  No car, light green.  So, you can pull into the row, and instantly know where there are spaces available.  Normally, I would have parked at the end of the row, where there was an abundance of space.  But the little green lights let me know that there were closer spaces, being blocked from my view by the SUVs.

Never has parking a car been so much fun.

Yeah, I really am that easily entertained.