House of Swank

Preparations

Pies are baked.*

Bags are packed.**

Fantasy Football activations are made.***

Soon we'll be on our way North for the holiday, giving thanks that we aren't driving from Seattle to Portland.

*One pie is baked, the second pie is still in the oven.

** Hedgehog's bag is packed.  I've still got to pack mine.

*** Pending waiver picks this week, when a change may be made in the line-up.

Mama Needs A New Pair Of Shoes

We are over halfway through the NFL season and it is occurring to me that I have yet to really publicly acknowledge the existence of my fantasy football team.  The problem is I don't have the time or inclination to do my standard rating of the players' hotness, and they're just so darn mediocre it makes me yawn just thinking about them.  Honestly, if I didn't have to come up with something new to talk about on my blog tonight I probably  never would have been compelled to write about my team at all.

The catch this year is that I have decided that my winnings - whatever they may be - will be used to purchase myself a new pair of shoes.  I win it all (unlikely at this point) I can get some Italian leather.  I come in 9th place (10th place wins nothing) I can manage a pair of flip-flops at Old Navy.  Right now I sit on a 5-5 record and I am right on the verge of (as my brother-in-law and league commissioner put it) being able to buy shoes that actually come in a box rather than ones hanging from a plastic tie on a rack.

The state of my Superbowl bet isn't helping things any.  Historically, without fail, if Ben Roethlisberger is on my fantasy football team the Steelers win the Superbowl. This year Ben was a keeper for me, so I placed a bet on the Steelers to win the Superbowl.  They're still in the thick of things, but aren't looking to be favorites or anything at the moment.

So now it's just a matter of managing my expectations.  My new football goals center almost exclusively on teaching the Hedgehog to raise his hands in the air when we shout out "TOUCHDOWN!"

Mama's Little All-Star

Today I was at Old Navy, in search of nursing-friendly bathing suit options.  (Apologies in advance to anyone who will be on Lake Michigan the first week of August - it was the best I could do).  As is my now-standard when at Old Navy, I perused the infant section to see if there were any stellar deals on items for the Hedgehog.

I came very close to splurging on a t-shirt for him to wear for our fantasy football draft, coming up in just over a month.  It said "Daddy's #1 Draft Pick" on it.  But I couldn't bring myself to splurge on it, because I don't want the Hedgehog to be rooting for Daddy during the fantasy draft, I want him to be rooting for me.  OK, he can root for Daddy, too, but come Spouse Bowl Weekend the kid is going to have some important choices to make.

It was round about then my righteous indignation began to set in.

It seems that all sports-themed clothing that references a parent refers to the father. 

• Daddy's #1 Draft Pick
• Daddy's All Star
• Daddy's Little Major Leaguer

What about Mommy?  I like sports.  I want my kid to like sports.  Do I not have the right to be acknowledged on those shirts? 

Nope, I get all the sappy, sweet clothing.  Unfortunately, I don't do sappy or sweet very well.

I realize in the grand scheme of things this is small potatoes and trivial at best.  But really, is it too much to ask for a onesie that says "Mama's Little Quarterback"?

Negotiations

Dear Mike Tomlin,

First off, congratulations are in order.  Not only for your Pittsburgh Steelers winning the Superbowl this year, but for you thoroughly owning the title of "hottest coach in the NFL."  (Seriously, the competition on that second contest is pretty weak).

Now, I don't want to push things too quickly, as I know you must be looking forward to a bit of a break in the off-season, but I suspect that one thing that could make you happier than winning the Superbowl this year would be if you were to win the Superbowl next year as well.

And that's where I come in.

I'll just lay the facts out plain and simple:

The Pittsburgh Steelers have won the Superbowl twice since naming Ben Roethlisberger quarterback.  What have both of those seasons shared in common?  Big, Bad Ben was quarterback on my Fantasy Football team.  And those are the only years that Ben has been on my fantasy football team.  That first year I had a championship fantasy football team, so it was no real shocker that come the Superbowl I had BOTH quarterbacks on my roster.  But this season?  My team stunk.  Last place in the league.  Almost record-breakingly bad.  Among my best players for the year - my kickers and my defense (Steelers, for what it's worth).  Yet Ben was on my team, among the top players, and he succeeded in the Superbowl.

Coincidence?  I think not.

And here's where the negotiations come in.  Obviously, it will be in your best interests if Ben is on my team again next year.  Without that you've got no hopes of a second championship ring.  So it would behoove you to take the necessary steps to make that happen.

If I had to pick my keepers today he'd likely have a spot - but Steve Smith is almost assured a spot and Jason Campbell is under consideration for the second (and final) position.  And, as you probably already know, Ben can be a little bit of a wildcard.  He was an almost sure-thing keeper after his Superbowl victory in January 2006.  But I did not keep him for the 2006 season.  Because he had a thing for riding his motorcycle without a helmet, and I couldn't risk it.  (Especially since I also had the other Superbowl quarterback available as a keeper).

So, what say you?  Can we strike a deal?  I'm interested, as it might be my only hope of finding success within the realms of fantasy football.  If you're interested I suggest we talk soon, because if Ben decides to take up bungee jumping or knife juggling before negotiations are complete then I suspect that all offers will be off the table.

Best regards,

Someone desperately trying to find a bright spot on her fantasy sports teams

Who's The Hottest Of Them All? Oh, Baby! Edition

So I've done the rankings of NFL quarterbacks according to their attractivenes for this season, so now it's time to rank the fantasy football team.  As it exists today, which mean that Nate Burleson gets the shaft.  Which I'm OK with because his season-ending injury has meant that one of my quarterbacks now has no one to throw the ball to.  I'm thinking the Seahawks might be calling me to serve as wide receiver soon, the way their luck is going.  Although I suspect the OB would frown upon me suiting up for an NFL game.

Also, to those who found this site searching for the hottest NFL TEAM -- how, exactly, would one determine that?  It sounds like too much work.  Sorry.

But, fantasy football team, that I can handle:

Donald Driver, WR
(I don't know about the hottest team in the league, but Green Bay sure as hell has a case for hottest wide receivers in the league because Greg Jennings is also quite the looker)

Earnest Graham, RB

Tony Gonzalez, TE

Jason Campbell, QB

Matt Hasselbeck, QB

Pittsburgh Steelers D - as represented by linebacker Bruce Davis

Fred Taylor, RB
(for two more days - he's being dumped from the team this week due to his sucking so bad)

Joey Galloway, WR
(Who would do better if the shape of his head weren't quite so triangular.)

Sammy Morris, RB
(Several of my readers will understand just how cool it is I have a guy named Sammy on my fantasy football team)

San Francisco 49ers D - as represented by linebacker Ahmad Brooks

Edgerrin James, RB
(I dig the hair, but he looks very, very mean)

Joe Nedney, K

Ben Roethlisberger, QB

Steve Smith, WR
(Who looks like the sort of fellow who might punch a teammate and end up suspended for the first two games of the season)

Rian Lindell, K
(Very unattractive, but he's from the 'couv!)

Oh, Baby!

It's fantasy football season, and that's the name of my fantasy football team this year.  Hedgehog and I are co-owners of the team.

Team bio:

As you may have heard I've gone and gotten myself knocked up.  Which means I have a de facto assistant coach this year, as my decisions are no longer my own.  Negotiations are still under way as to if it's me or the kiddo that's the head coach, but since I'm the only one who can speak at the moment I am taking credit for everything that goes well with the team, and the baby will take credit for everything stupid we do.

So when I try to make a trade with  so thM that she'll give me Cooper and Archie Manning from her team - that's the baby talking. 

When in the middle of the draft I request Michael Vick for the Falcons (rather than Michael Turner) - that's the baby talking.

When I draft Tiki Barber and claim that really I wanted Ronde Barber and the Bucs Defense - OK, maybe that will really be me talking, but I'll blame it on the baby.

Luckily the contract with the baby is only for one season - I know next year TRP will make a play to get the kid on his team, but D's always anxious enough to make trades you never know what might happen.

And, introducing the squad (at least until Thursday, stupid season ending injuries!):

QB:
Matt Hasselbeck - The one consistent force on my team the last four years, and the only player I had last year that was really worth a darn.  Of course, he has no receivers right now, so this might hurt a little bit.

"Big Bad" Ben Roethlisberger - Ben was on my fantasy team year one, and I dumped him when he got into a motorcycle accident while not wearing a helmet.  I traded to get him back this year, because QB pickings are weak and I knew he'd be an asset to the team.  I'm hoping having the two QBs I had the season I won the helmet will be a good sign, and if I am successful this year I shall never speak of Tiki Barber again.

Jason Campbell - He's not the greatest, but for a guy to fill in on BYE weeks I think I did OK.

RB:

Earnest Graham
Edgerrin James
Fred Taylor

Since Tiki retired I've yet to have a halfway-decent running back on my team, and this year is no different.

WR/TE:

Nate Burleson - Well, until waivers are completed on Wednesday night.  I know having a WR and QB from the same team can be risky, but Burleson is really the only guy Hasselbeck had to throw to, which promised lots of points.  Until someone had to go and have a season-ending injury.

Donald Driver - I believe I am destined to have a Green Bay receiver on my team every year.  I also believe I am destined to have the one they throw to less often.

Joey Galloway - I don't even remember drafting him.  I think he just magically shows up on my roster every year. 

Steve Smith - Riding a motorcycle without a helmet is reason for getting kicked off my team.  Punching a teammate in the face (for the second time) makes you a keeper.  Even when you performed like crap last year.  Perhaps I need to do a better job of defining what my player personal conduct policies are.  Although I do have hope, as his QB is actually capable of throwing the ball this year.

Donte' Stallworth - He was one of my last picks of the draft.  He does a good job of sitting on the bench.

Tony Gonzalez - Even though wide receivers and tight ends are lumped together in my league, I'm seemingly compelled to always have at least one wide receiver on my team.  Even if they are 100 years old and playing for the Chiefs.

Kickers:

Rian Lindell
Joe Nedney

Usually I have an unsubtantiated love for at least one of my kickers.  This year they're simply guys who kick the ball, at least for now.

Defense:

49ers
Steelers

Again, completely unenthusted, but hopefully they'll get the job done.

Hi!

This is the first blog post officially made from within the confines of the House of Swank.  Wirelessley and everything!

Turns out that the only phone lines in the house (at least that I can locate) are in the dining room and the bedroom, so the broadband modem and wireless router are set up in a corner of the bedroom, and all of our internet needs will be taken care of via our laptops.  We may explore getting Sweetie's desktop connected to the internet, but at least for now we can check e-mail and websites from home. 

We can also check fantasy football stats, but that's not a plus for me at the moment, as the one week I decide to bench Vince Young he goes all crazy and scores points.  Grrr....

Off to make sure Sweetie's computer is functioning well, then to continue with the unpacking.

Swimming in Mediocrity

We are at the halfway point of the fantasy football season*, and it occurs to me that I have spoken very little about my team this year.  That is because there is nothing really worth saying about them, but I'll push on anyhow.

I'm in 6th place right now, out of 10 teams, with a record of 4-5-0.  Which is actually sort of astounding when you consider that I have the lowest cumulative points scored this season.  By a lot.  I've apparently had very favorable match-ups so far.  And a lot of dumb luck.

The biggest disappointment thus far has been Steve Smith, best wide receiver in the world to hear some say it at the beginning of the season.  I still think he's good.  He's just been plagued by the curse of crappy QBs this season.  As we all have.  That's the one area I was feeling good about until last week.  I had three QBs at the beginning of the season, and they were all doing respectably and sticking with their teams.  Then Chad Pennington had to go and get himself injured to a point where he wasn't worth holding onto anymore.

I've already started looking ahead to next season.  I have two goals for next season right now:

1)  Not face Ridin' Dirty in week 1.  The same team I've faced in week 1 all three years in the league.  He's sitting solidly in last place right now, so I'm hopeful about that.

2)  Have 3 keepers that are actually kept for the full season.  Damn Javon Walker and his knee surgery!

*  We are more than halfway through the season, but in our league you play 7 teams twice, 2 teams once, and the final week of the season is a power-match.  Therefore, I consider the halfway point of the season where we start the reruns of who we've played before.

Fantasy Football Simplified

In 2006 something like 40-50% of fantasy football teams with LaDainian Tomlinson won their championships. 

When you consider there are 32 teams in the National Football League, 3-4 running backs per team, and multiple other positions to take into consideration, that is a very statistically significant number.

I suspect that if you were to substitute "2007" and "Tom Brady" in the first sentence you would probably be pretty close to the truth at the end of this season.

Unfortunately, I do not have Tom Brady on my team.

I DO have the kicker who kicked the most field goals in any NFL game ever on my team.

He was on my bench this week. 

But I STILL won the week and beat my husband this week.  Why?  Chad Pennington is the bomb.  Other people mock him, but I love having him as my third string quarterback.  Seven weeks into the season, and he's still the starting quarterback for the J-E-T-S Jets!  And that's saying something this year.

More With the Hot NFL Players

An ASTOUNDING number of people are happening upon this blog wanting to find out who the hottest NFL Quarterbacks are.  So, because I'm bored, wanting to blog, have nothing real to blog about, and need SOME reason to feel good about my fantasy team, today we will do the list of hottest NFL players on In Tiki We Trust (my fantasy football team) as of today.

I'm going by current mugshot on NFL.com, because I've discovered that google images leaves too much room for discrepancy, and for long-time players will favor older photos over current photos.  For defenses I picked Ray Lewis of the Ravens (because he's famous), and his equivalent on the Giants.

Julius Jones, RB

Rob Bironas, K

Chad Pennington, QB

Vince Young, QB

Javon Walker, WR (whose freakishly large neck hurt him a lot)

Matt Hasselbeck, QB

Ravens, D (as represented by Ray Lewis)

Bernard Berrian, WR

Shayne Graham, K

Hines Ward, WR

Maurice Morris, RB (for two more days)

Ahman Green, RB (who would probably move up if he'd shave his beard)

Steve Smith, WR

Jason Witten, TE

Giants, D (represented by Antonio Pierce)

Warrick Dunn, RB

Julius Jones is lucky he's hot, and not injured, because he's holding onto his roster spot by a thread at the moment, and will likely be looking for work in the fantasy football world in the next couple of weeks.

If you've got a particular group of NFL hotties you'd like me to rate, just let me know.

P.S.  To the people finding the blog wanting to know who the hotter Manning is, you need to get your eyes checked.  Without any doubt it's Eli.  No contest whatsoever.