House of Swank

Mama Needs A New Pair Of Shoes

We are over halfway through the NFL season and it is occurring to me that I have yet to really publicly acknowledge the existence of my fantasy football team.  The problem is I don't have the time or inclination to do my standard rating of the players' hotness, and they're just so darn mediocre it makes me yawn just thinking about them.  Honestly, if I didn't have to come up with something new to talk about on my blog tonight I probably  never would have been compelled to write about my team at all.

The catch this year is that I have decided that my winnings - whatever they may be - will be used to purchase myself a new pair of shoes.  I win it all (unlikely at this point) I can get some Italian leather.  I come in 9th place (10th place wins nothing) I can manage a pair of flip-flops at Old Navy.  Right now I sit on a 5-5 record and I am right on the verge of (as my brother-in-law and league commissioner put it) being able to buy shoes that actually come in a box rather than ones hanging from a plastic tie on a rack.

The state of my Superbowl bet isn't helping things any.  Historically, without fail, if Ben Roethlisberger is on my fantasy football team the Steelers win the Superbowl. This year Ben was a keeper for me, so I placed a bet on the Steelers to win the Superbowl.  They're still in the thick of things, but aren't looking to be favorites or anything at the moment.

So now it's just a matter of managing my expectations.  My new football goals center almost exclusively on teaching the Hedgehog to raise his hands in the air when we shout out "TOUCHDOWN!"

Happy Birthday Sesame Street

As with everyone in my generation, Sesame Street was an integral part of my development. Between Sesame Street, The Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock, Jim Henson may as well have been a beloved Uncle in my house. I'm glad that I'll get to share Sesame Street with the Hedgehog growing up. And thanks to You Tube and DVDs I'm glad I'll get to share with him Mr. Hooper and Snuffleupagus and the bits of Sesame Street I hold most dear in my heart.

Negotiations

Dear Mike Tomlin,

First off, congratulations are in order.  Not only for your Pittsburgh Steelers winning the Superbowl this year, but for you thoroughly owning the title of "hottest coach in the NFL."  (Seriously, the competition on that second contest is pretty weak).

Now, I don't want to push things too quickly, as I know you must be looking forward to a bit of a break in the off-season, but I suspect that one thing that could make you happier than winning the Superbowl this year would be if you were to win the Superbowl next year as well.

And that's where I come in.

I'll just lay the facts out plain and simple:

The Pittsburgh Steelers have won the Superbowl twice since naming Ben Roethlisberger quarterback.  What have both of those seasons shared in common?  Big, Bad Ben was quarterback on my Fantasy Football team.  And those are the only years that Ben has been on my fantasy football team.  That first year I had a championship fantasy football team, so it was no real shocker that come the Superbowl I had BOTH quarterbacks on my roster.  But this season?  My team stunk.  Last place in the league.  Almost record-breakingly bad.  Among my best players for the year - my kickers and my defense (Steelers, for what it's worth).  Yet Ben was on my team, among the top players, and he succeeded in the Superbowl.

Coincidence?  I think not.

And here's where the negotiations come in.  Obviously, it will be in your best interests if Ben is on my team again next year.  Without that you've got no hopes of a second championship ring.  So it would behoove you to take the necessary steps to make that happen.

If I had to pick my keepers today he'd likely have a spot - but Steve Smith is almost assured a spot and Jason Campbell is under consideration for the second (and final) position.  And, as you probably already know, Ben can be a little bit of a wildcard.  He was an almost sure-thing keeper after his Superbowl victory in January 2006.  But I did not keep him for the 2006 season.  Because he had a thing for riding his motorcycle without a helmet, and I couldn't risk it.  (Especially since I also had the other Superbowl quarterback available as a keeper).

So, what say you?  Can we strike a deal?  I'm interested, as it might be my only hope of finding success within the realms of fantasy football.  If you're interested I suggest we talk soon, because if Ben decides to take up bungee jumping or knife juggling before negotiations are complete then I suspect that all offers will be off the table.

Best regards,

Someone desperately trying to find a bright spot on her fantasy sports teams

Who's The Hottest Of Them All? Oh, Baby! Edition

So I've done the rankings of NFL quarterbacks according to their attractivenes for this season, so now it's time to rank the fantasy football team.  As it exists today, which mean that Nate Burleson gets the shaft.  Which I'm OK with because his season-ending injury has meant that one of my quarterbacks now has no one to throw the ball to.  I'm thinking the Seahawks might be calling me to serve as wide receiver soon, the way their luck is going.  Although I suspect the OB would frown upon me suiting up for an NFL game.

Also, to those who found this site searching for the hottest NFL TEAM -- how, exactly, would one determine that?  It sounds like too much work.  Sorry.

But, fantasy football team, that I can handle:

Donald Driver, WR
(I don't know about the hottest team in the league, but Green Bay sure as hell has a case for hottest wide receivers in the league because Greg Jennings is also quite the looker)

Earnest Graham, RB

Tony Gonzalez, TE

Jason Campbell, QB

Matt Hasselbeck, QB

Pittsburgh Steelers D - as represented by linebacker Bruce Davis

Fred Taylor, RB
(for two more days - he's being dumped from the team this week due to his sucking so bad)

Joey Galloway, WR
(Who would do better if the shape of his head weren't quite so triangular.)

Sammy Morris, RB
(Several of my readers will understand just how cool it is I have a guy named Sammy on my fantasy football team)

San Francisco 49ers D - as represented by linebacker Ahmad Brooks

Edgerrin James, RB
(I dig the hair, but he looks very, very mean)

Joe Nedney, K

Ben Roethlisberger, QB

Steve Smith, WR
(Who looks like the sort of fellow who might punch a teammate and end up suspended for the first two games of the season)

Rian Lindell, K
(Very unattractive, but he's from the 'couv!)

Who's The Hottest Of Them All?

One of the biggest draws to my blog over the last three years has been my annual ranking of NFL quarterbacks in terms of their attractiveness.  I've been getting a LOT of hits over the last few weeks looking for the hot NFL players.

With the state of the QB this season I thought I was playing things safe.  I'd wait until opening weekend, when I could (finally) be reasonably confident that the guys I ranked would be the guys playing for the team.  Then injury had to plague the NFL.

So, the rules for this year are thus:  If a QB threw a pass for a completion this last week, he is rated.  Ratings based off their bio photo on NFL.com.  Even if he is done for the season (Mr. Butt Chin, I'm talking to you).

Without further ado (starting with the hottest):

David Garrard, Jacksonville Jaguars

Jason Campbell, Washington Redskins

Trent Edwards, Buffalo Bills

Marc Bulger, St. Louis Rams

Matt Hasselbeck, Seattle Seahawks

Damon Huard, Kansas City Chiefs

Carson Palmer, Cincinnati Bengals

Chad Pennington, Miami Dolphins (Don't you just want to pinch his cheeks?)

Donovan McNabb, Philadelphia Eagles

JaMarcus Rusell, Oakland Raiders

Byron Leftwich, Pittsburgh Steelers

Matt Schaub, Houston Texans

Matt Cassel, New England Patriots (who apparently has no bottom lip)

Matt Ryan, Atlanta Falcons

Brodie Croyle, Kansas City Chiefs (who would do better if his hairdo weren't bordering on mullet)

Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints (who would do better if he didn't look so very, very sad)

J.T. O'Sullivan, San Francisco 49ers

Tarvaris Jackson, Minnesota Vikings

Tom "Mr. Butt Chin" Brady (who is benefiting from the fact they are using a photo of him that seems to have been taken while he was in high school)

Vince Young, Tennessee Titans

Jake Delhomme, Carolina Panthers

Derek Anderson, Cleveland Browns

Philip Rivers, San Diego SuperChargers

Kurt Warner, Arizona Cardinals

Brett Favre, New York Jets (there's something about his facial hair or expression that's hurting him)

Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys (who probably has the most to gain from getting a more current photo up)

Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens (who could use some work on those eyebrows)

Eli Manning, New York Giants (with a VERY unflattering photo and HORRIBLE complexion here)

Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts

Jeff Garcia, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Kevin Kolb, Philadelphia Eagles (this photo looks like it belongs to a charged felon rather than an NFL quarterback)

Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers

Jon Kitna, Detroit Tigers

Kyle Orton, Chicago Bears

Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers (this may be the worst photo of Big, Bad Ben I've ever seen, but I've got to play by the rules)

Kerry Collins, Tennessee Titans

Jay Cutler, Denver Broncos (who looks more like he should be playing D&D than professional football)

It's a sad state of affairs when there are four guys LESS hot than Jon Kitna serving as QB in the NFL.  But I am happy to report that I have 2 of the 5 hottest quarterbacks on my fantasy football team (which will be ranked soon), and one more who could have done a lot better with a different photo available 

Oh, Baby!

It's fantasy football season, and that's the name of my fantasy football team this year.  Hedgehog and I are co-owners of the team.

Team bio:

As you may have heard I've gone and gotten myself knocked up.  Which means I have a de facto assistant coach this year, as my decisions are no longer my own.  Negotiations are still under way as to if it's me or the kiddo that's the head coach, but since I'm the only one who can speak at the moment I am taking credit for everything that goes well with the team, and the baby will take credit for everything stupid we do.

So when I try to make a trade with  so thM that she'll give me Cooper and Archie Manning from her team - that's the baby talking. 

When in the middle of the draft I request Michael Vick for the Falcons (rather than Michael Turner) - that's the baby talking.

When I draft Tiki Barber and claim that really I wanted Ronde Barber and the Bucs Defense - OK, maybe that will really be me talking, but I'll blame it on the baby.

Luckily the contract with the baby is only for one season - I know next year TRP will make a play to get the kid on his team, but D's always anxious enough to make trades you never know what might happen.

And, introducing the squad (at least until Thursday, stupid season ending injuries!):

QB:
Matt Hasselbeck - The one consistent force on my team the last four years, and the only player I had last year that was really worth a darn.  Of course, he has no receivers right now, so this might hurt a little bit.

"Big Bad" Ben Roethlisberger - Ben was on my fantasy team year one, and I dumped him when he got into a motorcycle accident while not wearing a helmet.  I traded to get him back this year, because QB pickings are weak and I knew he'd be an asset to the team.  I'm hoping having the two QBs I had the season I won the helmet will be a good sign, and if I am successful this year I shall never speak of Tiki Barber again.

Jason Campbell - He's not the greatest, but for a guy to fill in on BYE weeks I think I did OK.

RB:

Earnest Graham
Edgerrin James
Fred Taylor

Since Tiki retired I've yet to have a halfway-decent running back on my team, and this year is no different.

WR/TE:

Nate Burleson - Well, until waivers are completed on Wednesday night.  I know having a WR and QB from the same team can be risky, but Burleson is really the only guy Hasselbeck had to throw to, which promised lots of points.  Until someone had to go and have a season-ending injury.

Donald Driver - I believe I am destined to have a Green Bay receiver on my team every year.  I also believe I am destined to have the one they throw to less often.

Joey Galloway - I don't even remember drafting him.  I think he just magically shows up on my roster every year. 

Steve Smith - Riding a motorcycle without a helmet is reason for getting kicked off my team.  Punching a teammate in the face (for the second time) makes you a keeper.  Even when you performed like crap last year.  Perhaps I need to do a better job of defining what my player personal conduct policies are.  Although I do have hope, as his QB is actually capable of throwing the ball this year.

Donte' Stallworth - He was one of my last picks of the draft.  He does a good job of sitting on the bench.

Tony Gonzalez - Even though wide receivers and tight ends are lumped together in my league, I'm seemingly compelled to always have at least one wide receiver on my team.  Even if they are 100 years old and playing for the Chiefs.

Kickers:

Rian Lindell
Joe Nedney

Usually I have an unsubtantiated love for at least one of my kickers.  This year they're simply guys who kick the ball, at least for now.

Defense:

49ers
Steelers

Again, completely unenthusted, but hopefully they'll get the job done.

A Tale of Two Sports and Seven Words

I know I'm the last person on the planet to memorialize George Carlin in weblog form, but it occurred to me today that one of his most brilliant pieces of work has been ignored in favor of the cursing that he's so well known for.

The first time I heard this routine he put it in a context of why football should be our national past time instead of baseball.  Even without it, I think it nails both sports perfectly and explains why I am a fan of both of them as well.

RIP, Jim McKay

I just learned this afternoon that legendary sportscaster Jim McKay died last weekend at the age of 86.  He will be missed.

If I had to attribute my love of sports to any one person it would be McKay. In the days before ESPN there weren't a lot of television options for a bored kid on a Saturday afternoon.  So on those days, I'd frequently turn into the Wide World of Sports.  Sometimes it would be covering sports I had no interest in (boxing, racing), but frequently enough it would slide into the fun or bizarre that it kept my attention.  Cliff diving, pool, sports you'd frequently only see during the Olympics, it was all covered in the Wide World of Sports.  And McKay projected both reverence and joy in whatever sport he was covering.  As a kid, who knew something could be both fun and important?

I was around 6 months old during the 1972 Summer Olympics, so I did not get to witness first-hand his coverage of the hostage situation.  But I've seen him oversee coverage of many other Olympic games, and without even reading the reports could know that he covered things perfectly.

I miss the Wide World of Sports, the same way I miss MTV.  Both shows forced you to sit through the bad so as to guarantee you'd not miss the good.  They gave you little tastes of things, and if you liked what you were tasting you could go elsewhere to savor them in larger portions.  There are no television smorgasbords anymore, just hundreds of stations filled with focus-grouped programming.

So, goodbye, Jim McKay.  You'll be missed for what you brought to the wide world of sports, and that can never be replaced.

Keyed Up

Today New York Giants officials are receiving a key to the city from the Mayor.

Which surprises absolutely no one, since it is the ceremonial way for a city to say "Thank you for helping spread a positive image of our fair town to the world."

The thing that gets me about this particular display is the fact that the team plays in New Jersey.  But now that they've proven themselves, they're actually allowed into the city.  Even after hours if no one else is allowed to let them in.

Oh Happy Day!

Reasons I am happy the Giants won the Superbowl:

• The butt chin disturbs me to no end.   Especially since his chin strap looks like the back of a pair of tighty whities.  Anything to keep him out of the news.
• I cannot respect a coach who cannot respect himself to wear clean, uncut clothing.
• It's less likely to come out that this win was the result of cheating.
• The only thing more obnoxious than sports fans from New England with bad teams are sports fans from New England with good teams.  They've got the baseball championship at the moment, that's enough.
• Peyton is no longer the alpha Manning.
• It's cool when underdogs win.
• This is one of the coolest passes ever.
• One of the studs of the game graduated from one of the colleges I attended.   No, not the PAC-10 school.  WOSC (well, WOU now), a NCAA Division II school.