House of Swank

Reality Ramblings

I've stopped blogging about The Amazing Race every week, because it seems there are only so many times I can blog that Jen needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY before I get bored of it, and I'm sure y'all were bored of it long before I was.

However, I had to interrupt the lack of programming to comment on an historical occasion.  For the FIRST time in Amazing Race history (12 seasons, people), I am GUARANTEED to not hate the winning team.  Prior to this season there has ALWAYS been a team I disliked in the finals, and frequently they have won.  This season, the last of the evil teams was eliminated this last week, and now we're down to just people I like.

I cannot express how happy I am that Nate and Jen were eliminated this week, and how actively I disliked them.  Not only were they fighting the ENTIRE race, but she suffered from such a sense of entitlement and privilege that she got UPSET when other people did better than her, and seemed to think people were out to spite her rather than, you know, running a race for a million dollars.  She lost me mid-way through the race, when a team placed first two weeks in a row, and the second week they were just inches ahead of Nate and Jen.  Jen was upset that the other team got first place a second time - she had never gotten first place, shouldn't she be given a chance?  It made me VERY happy that they never placed first.  I also like to think they got a bit of karmic justice in their final episode.  Making their way to the final challenge of the leg they opted to take subway rather than cab, based on the advice of some locals who told them it would be faster due to traffic.  When they got to the subway station they discovered they would have to take a bus at the other end.  So they take the subway, get to the other end, question whether they should take a cab instead of a bus (the answer: most definitely yes, while a subway may be faster than a car a bus will not be), then erupt into a fight over the whole thing.  While fighting at least one cab for hire drives past them (kudos to Sweetie for spotting it).  I like to think if they caught that cab, rather than fighting and then getting a bus, they would have still been in the race.  But they were eliminated.  On Jen's Birthday.  OH HAPPY DAY!

And I really do like the changes that were made in the race this season.  Specifically, the "screw over the other teams" option of the race that got added in a few seasons ago used to just involve flipping over a timer and waiting.  Now it's a U-Turn, and you have to go back and do the second detour.  Often times you avoid one of the detours because it is evil, so this is a genius addition to the challenge.  Secondly, they FINALLY figured out how to appropriately penalize teams who are saved on non-elimination legs.  On the next leg they have to do a Speed Bump, a challenge made just for them.  They look like pretty fun things, too, so like the one challenger said this week "If we get eliminated because of this, at least we got to do this incredible thing."

But really, with just one episode left and me liking everyone remaining I'm sort of over this season of the race.  Because they've announced teams and started running promos for next season of Survivor.  This time around they have one team of "fan favorites" who have competed before, and one team of fans of the game.  Some of the "favorites" they brought back perplex me, in part because I cannot remember who they are.  Some annoy me, because I know that people are going to want to hold onto Jonathan and Johnny Fairplay because if you face either of them in the finals you are GUARANTEED they won't get voted.  But the thing that has me all ready to go is that they have assembled the perfect trifecta of Survivor Competitors:

• Ozzy - Who can swim better than a fish
• James - Who could lift his entire team with one hand tied behind his back
• Yau Man - Who can figure out the physics of any challenge in a split second, and calculate how to win it despite his lack of strength or agility.

I want these guys to form an alliance they instant they land on the island, for they will be unbeatable.  Have some crazy-ass challenge for the final three, to determine if brains, brawn, or swimming are the best skill to have on Survivor.  And totally rule the day.  Both James and Yau Man have experience with hidden immunity idols and messing with other players heads as well, so there's really all kinds of fun to be had there.

And I cannot wait.

The Amazing Race 12: Episode 2

Simply based on the ratio of teams that are interesting to watch vs. teams that I hate, this has got to be one of the best seasons of The Amazing Race in quite a while.  And the challenges aren't too bad, either.  But since it's all about the teams, I think I'm going to keep the review in that format (in the order they finished this week):

Lorena & Jason:  This team is the little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead.  When they're good they're very, very good (and come in first place), and when they're bad, LOOK OUT!  This week there were no problems, but in the previews for next week it looks like Lorena is going to have a nervous breakdown.  Much like last week when Jason took a wrong turn.

Nathan & Jennifer:  These guys just sort of quietly ran the race today, so there's not much to report on them.

Shana & Jennifer:  They may not be the winners that I originally pegged them to be (at this point I think it's possible, but not probable), but they're a lot tougher than they put on. 

Kynt & Vyxsin:  The makeup routine has already fallen by the wayside for Vyxsin.  And she looks a LOT better for it!  She's tough!  And now that they're getting past needing to proclaim their goth-ness to the world I actually kind of like them.

Azaria & Hendekia:  Azaria referred to his sister as "Baby Girl" at one point this evening.  That seemed sort of creepy and incestual to me.  Not as creepy as Blake and Paige in Season 2, who are probably raising children of their own by now, but still very inappropriate.

TK & Rachel:  A couple that can work through challenges in an appropriate manner.  How fresh and exciting for the race!  I just hope TK doesn't get distracted by the legal pot in Amsterdam, and prevent them from running any further on the race.

Marianna & Julia:  Based on this evening's performance, I suspect this is the obligatory directionally challenged team of the race.  Their physicality and ability to complete challenges well helps them, but if they have to drive anywhere they're toast.

Nicolas & Donald:  Gramps wears a banana hammock, and it disturbs me that I now know this fact.  They're running the race fairly smart, seeing what other teams are doing on the road block before committing to who will complete it, but seem to have their challenges between each other.  I don't think Gramps has the physical strength requried to make it to the finish line, but as long as we don't see him strip to his skivvies anymore I'm happy to have him in the race.

Ron & Christina:  Ron needs to learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.  He spent a good portion of this episode being the expert on everything, generally blathering on to Christina about how she had made poor decisions and thus they were floundering.  How he could have done it better.  How she should be completing the road block.  But when he went up to Gramps and the Grandson at the airport, to explain to the two that they were being rude to the woman at the stand-by counter, and how they needed to be polite, because that is what would get them farther in the race.  Well, let's just say that I'm glad Gramps and Grandson were the two to get the standby tickets.  Does Ron not understand he's running a race, and if another team is fucking up in his opinion it's best for him to just shut the hell up and let them kill themselves?

Kate & Pat:  I am sorry to see them go, but they got the line of the century in at the beginning of the episode, so at least their racing wasn't for nothing.  They commented, at the beginning of the leg (paraphrased),"We are Christians, but do we think God gives a crap how we do on this race?  Not a chance!"  Yay for the gay, Episcopal clergy!  We shall miss you! 

The Amazing Race 12: Episode 1

This episode was all about traveling from point A to point B, and from what I've seen so far it looks like it's going to be a fun season of The Amazing Race.

One of my favorite activities to do while watching the show is play the "what if it was ME racing" game.  I think it would be fun to go on the show someday - if I could find an appropriate partner - so I'm constantly working on my strategy and game plan.

Coming out of the starting gates (at the Playboy Mansion, nary a bunny in sight) there was a line of cars in the driveway.  Apparently the team in the front car was not moving quickly enough for the others, and several teams started honking their horns for folks to get a move on.  I did not understand this.  You are have already determined your current position in the game, based on which car you grabbed, and whether you leave the driveway now or five minutes from now will not change that position.  It's all about what happens once you get moving.  If I were in the lead car, and the folks behind me were honking, I'd pull out a crossword puzzle, or just sit and have a leisurely conversation with my partner.  Because really, if the race starts five minutes from now it's not going to change the outcome one little bit, so why not get the mind games going now and get everyone else frazzled and pissed.

Another note for when I go on the race:  Once you know what city you're starting in, you need to buy yourself a Thomas Brothers guide and do what you can to learn the lay of the land; where the airport is in relation to the major roadways and tourist attractions.  Or they need to start the race in a city that NONE of the teams have experience in, because every season starts the same way.  The locals go directly to the airport, and the out-of-towners get lost in the process.

The biggest lesson in this week's episode was that karma is a bitch.  The big challenge involved navigating a donkey along a path.  The ability to get the donkey to do your bidding almost entirely determined your fate in this challenge.  Two teams (Ari and Staella and Nathan and Jennifer) had difficulty getting their donkey to move.  When the donkey wouldn't move they yelled.  And yelled some more.  And continued with the yelling.  They didn't seem to do much more than yell at the donkey as several teams passed them.  Eventually it got Ari and Staella eliminated, which makes me happy... they were even more annoying than I thought possible.  When another team can hear your screams from a 1/2 mile away and know it's you, you know it's bad.

After actually meeting the teams I've formed some new and different impressions of them, so let's take a look at my new first impressions of the teams:

Kynt and Vyxsin:  Did you know this team is Goth?  Because they are.  Goth.  In case you didn't know that.  Although I don't know how you couldn't know that, since they have to work it into every time they speak.  "Thank Goth" was the worst.

Jennifer and Nathan:  Nathan is an abusive asshole.  I hate him.

Ronald and Christina:  At the end of this episode I stated "This may be the most well-adjusted parent child team in Amazing Race history."  Then I saw scenes from next week's episode, and suspect I may need to eat my words.

Shana and Jennifer:  I don't think this team is as strong as I thought they would be, but they're still in it.

Azaria and Henedekea:  I like them.  They are much more well-adjusted than their profile made them out to be.  I may want them to go the distance now.

Lorena and Jason:  They are going to be fun most of the time, with moments of sheer stupidity thrown in for good measure.

Nicolas and Donald:  Gramps tripped, which scared me for a moment, but this team is doing exactly as I thought they would.

Ari and Staella:  I hated them even more than I thought possible, and am thankful they are gone.

Marianna and Julia:  If an all-female team will be winning the race this go-round, I suspect these will be the two, and not the blondes as I originally projected.

Rachel and TK:  If TK would cut his hair I would love this team.  But I can't get past the ugly dreadlocks.

Kate and Pat:  They didn't show much of these two, so it's tough to form an opinion.

The Amazing Race 12: Preview

Season 12 of The Amazing Race starts in a week, and it looks like we have quite a few fun teams to choose from this year.  Here's how I rank them, worst to first:

Azaria and Hendrekea: Siblings who still haven't gotten over their rivalry with a brother who is perceived as a bully and a sister who is "dainty."  Unless Phil is willing to play Dad and quash any spats, these guys may never make it out of the starting gate.

Ari and Staella: I'm sorry, but looking at these two, and reading their biography, I can't help but think of Flo and Zach from season 2.  And although Flo and Zach won, I hated Flo, and still wish Zach would have killed her at the finish line so he could keep the money for himself.  I cannot live through that again, so I need this team to disappear quickly.

Marianna and Julia: Emotional, sarcastic, lacking a censor button, and relying on each other may cause some problems.  That has loser written all over it.  And their strategy to flirt their way through the race won't work, because blonde beats brunette in that competition, so Shana and Jennifer will be their demise.

Jennifer and Nathan:  They're soul mates that can't stop breaking up, and drive each other crazy.  As always, doomed.  What seals their fate:  She used to be a dancer for the LA Clippers.  The JV Cheerleader squad to Laker Girls' varsity status.

Kynt and Vyxsin:  Between the proclamations of "keeping Louisville weird," the fact that Kynt looks like Pete Burns (lead singer of Dead or Alive), and the fact that his girlfriend's name is Vyxsin, I strongly suspect his name is really Cunt, but they had to edit it for television.  I think they're doomed, because I've never seen a goth even willing to WATCH athletics, much less participate in them, but I really want them to survive enough to make it to a third world country, just to see the (lack of) interactions with the locals.

Kate and Pat:  Gay, married, Episcopal clergy.  YAY!   I'm rooting for this team, but have no delusion that they will be winners.  Then again, I though the Bowling Moms would be sacrificial lambs and they made it to the final three, so I'm putting these guys ahead of all the teams that I really don't think have a chance, and hoping for the best.

Ronald and Christina: I think this team is doomed, but I'm still rooting for them.  Just the fact that Ronald (the father of the obligatory parent/child team) is wearing a sweatshirt that says "Who's Your Daddy?" has made me fall a little bit in love with them.  They'll excel at travel and interacting with the locals.  They will fail at athletic endeavors and interacting with each other.

Rachel and TK: Of the "dating, and going on the race to test the relationship" team, these two seem the most grounded.  They'll probably be OK, but thus far seem so forgettable that I'll probably forget they're running the race until they get themselves eliminated.

Nicolas and Donald:  This team is a bit of a wildcard at the moment.  I think a grandfather/grandchild team has a better chance than a parent/child team, simply because there are usually less issues with the skipped generation.  I like that the kid is a pilot, so should rock at navigation and travel challenges.  And Grandpa is described as "street smart," which should give them an edge in other sorts of situations.  So definitely well-rounded.  The question is whether or not Gramps has the strength to last.  He looks like a tank, so I'm wagering he does, but if he doesn't have the physical ability than they're doomed.

Lorena and Jason:  The couple wanting to see if marriage is in the cards for them and if their relationship can last.  Here's a hint, folks:  if you need to go on a reality competition show to test if your relationship will last, the answer is it won't.  They're athletic and traveled, which will work well for them.  But he's volatile, so there's going to be some big, ugly fights along the way.

Shana and Jennifer:  I want to hate this team because they are just too damn pretty, but you've got to admit they've got the total package.  They've got maturity, travel experience, and diversity.  And blonde hair and nice tits.  The world will lay down at their feet, and they will sail through with their makeup looking just fabulous.

The Amazing Race All-Stars: Finale

Well, we're still without an all female team winning The Amazing Race, and as much as I liked the beauty queens I can't say I'm all that upset about it.

A good episode, with some decent challenges, but it really all came down to the final challenge, and what a good final challenge it was.  Team member #1 had to answer four questions about their competition, to create a code for a safe.  Team member #2 had to solve the code.  The questions were things like "Which team will you keep in touch with after the race" and "Who was the most humorous team."  So, it required you to know your teammate, and know your competition.  Eric and Danielle won the challenge and, consequently, won the race.

Neither of the other two teams actually completed that challenge.  But there was a time limit of 10 minutes for them to complete it, and if it wasn't done they got the clue.  I didn't like that aspect of the challenge.  Perhaps, if there was some penalty imposed, or if they got a more difficult version of the clue, that required them to solve another puzzle or something, I would be more OK with it, but it simply seemed like a way for the producers to force a little suspense into the ending, and I didn't like it.

It did seem an appropriate way for Eric to exorcise his demons.  Season 9 he had a sizable lead on the hippies going into the final challenge, which required teams to arrange flags of the countries they had visited in the order they had visited them, which he failed miserably at.  This team he succeeded, and he has a million dollars to prove it.

Unfortunately, the race ended with one of the worst bits of product placement I have ever seen on a reality TV show.  Phil gave Eric a cell phone to call his family and celebrate.  He called his teammate from the first go-round, and they had a really stupid conversation. 

But that doesn't take away from my love of the race, and rest assured I'll be back next season when the race starts again.

The Amazing Race All-Stars: Episode 11

And then there were three.  I'm sad that Danny and Oswald were eliminated tonight, as they have always been one of my favorite teams.  The grace with which they left the show just reinforces that in my mind.  But the fact of the matter is that Dustin and Kandice are, perhaps, running the best race in the history of The Amazing Race.  They do not make mistakes, they do not get lost.  Sometimes it takes them a bit longer to complete a task, or they hit bad luck when it comes to a cab driver or airplane flight, but basically the run a clean race.  And for that I hope they are rewarded.

This episode primarily took place on Guam, at two US military bases (Air Force and Navy).  It was an inspiring episode.  With the war in Iraq, and other conflicts the the US gets involved in, it's very easy to develop a negative view towards the military.  But the fact of the matter is that they do serve the powers of good as well.  And tonight's tasks reinforced that fact.  One of the detours involved preparing supplies and participating in a practice mission for delivering humanitarian aid.  The road block was a search and rescue operation.  The military is more than just shooting and war. 

My hope is that the teams finish in this order:

1. Dustin and Kandice (who I like)
2. Eric and Danielle (who I'm kinda indifferent to, but are mostly good)
3. Charla and Mirna (who continue to annoy the hell out of me)

Today Charla and Mirna solidified their last place spot in my heart.  First, while treating a driver to her annoying accent, Mirna actually commented that getting the CORRECT accent is the key to communication.  Because apparently English with an obnoxious accent is easier to understand than just your standard issue American-speak.  Ugly Americans anyone?  Second, while completing the humanitarian aid detour the soldier overseeing the operation actually had to tell them to do it with a little bit of love.  They were just throwing things into the boxes, with no regards as to broken or ripped items.  Third, while completing a GPS-based task, the soldier assisting Charla had to remind her approximately five billion times not to touch the screen of the GPS.  Doesn't seem that hard of a lesson to learn.

An all female team has never won The Amazing Race.  This season the odds are in the favor that we will see that streak end.  And we are guaranteed a female being on the winning team.  So, regardless of who wins the race at least we'll have that.

Amaizing Alternative

I know it sounds too good to be true, but I have discovered a TV show that's a close cousin to The Amazing Race, that provides a more in-depth look at individual locations, while continuing with the challenges and local flavor that I love about The Amazing Race.

It's called "Chasing Time", and it airs on Fox Reality TV.  The basic premise of the show is they take a couple, plop them in a foreign city with a phrase book and a mobile phone, and give them 12 hours to complete a variety of tasks.  The tasks are generally provided in some sort of cryptic code, so they first have to figure out WHAT the question is really asking them to do, and then go and do it.

For example, one of the clues in Amsterdam is "Tread water from Rembrandt's resting place to photograph the two sisters."  So, first the couple has to find out where Rembrandt is buried (apparently an unmarked pauper's grave), the host meets them there and gets them into a water cycle (the treading water part), and then they have to navigate the canals to find the two sisters, which it turns out are a pair of buildings sitting alongside the canal.  Once they arrive, they snap a photo with the phone to prove completion of the task, so the next task can be assigned - buying a pair of clogs and walking across a bridge.

Finish 8 tasks in twelve hours and they win a vacation in the city they are in, lose and they get to go home. 

It's fast moving, with interesting challenges, and helps you learn  more about a foreign city, so definitely worth checking out if you have Fox Reality on your cable system.

The Amazing Race All-Stars: Episode 10

I will admit that I am a reality TV addict.  Especially the competition shows.  Extra-especially when they are on Bravo, but that's another post for another day.  However, I seriously dig this type of TV.

The one thing I don't dig is when competitors seem to forget that they are in a competition, for a lot of cash and prizes, and the rules to the game do not always follow the rules of real life.  Honesty, loyalty, and kindness are admirable qualities in a person not living in a reality TV world.  But when you are in a race to win a million dollars, you have to use the tools that are available to you.

On Survivor that means you will lie about your allegiances and alliances.  Sometimes they are simply lies of omission, but you cannot be 100% honest and win the game.  People have tried and failed.   I may have to eat my words at the end of this season, because I fear that Dreamz may end up in the finals just through dumb luck, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  This is supposed to be a post about The Amazing Race.

One of the features of the race for the last few seasons has been the Yield.  There are usually a couple randomly located during the race.  When you arrive at a yield you have the option to yield a team that has not arrived at that point yet.  You only get to use the yield once during the race, and only one team can use a yield, so there's a fair amount of strategy involved in when to use it and who to use it on.  It can be a valuable tool to help you out. 

Yet, to hear a lot of people talk about it, the yield is an unforgivable sin.  You use it because you are weak, lazy and scared, and not because you want to do want you can to insure a million dollar paycheck at the end of the race.  When teams whine about the yield it just grates at me.

Tonight we had one of the most strategic yields of race history.  Dustin and Kandice used their yield earlier in the race, so it was not an option to them in this leg.  Danny and Oswald started the leg dead broke, and were forced to spend the majority of their money to get themselves to the yield on the task.  So when Danny and Oswald encountered Dustin and Kandice while waiting for the yield location to open, they made a business proposition:  You give us some money, and we will yield whichever team you want us to.  The silent subtext being "otherwise we yield you."  Dustin and Kandice took them up on the offer, and opted to yield Eric and Danielle.  Who were the team that had previously been yielded by Dustin and Kandice, who started the leg a good 2-4 hours later than the other teams, and who were marked for elimination, meaning if they didn't come in first place they would face a 1/2 hour penalty at the pit stop.  But who, despite that, are a competitive team.  The fact of the matter is, given the choice between racing them and Charla and Mirna, you would pick Charla and Mirna.  Because the race may be a lot more annoying, but your chance at the million bucks goes up a lot.

But now Danny and Oswald are the devil because they used the yield, and everyone (except Dustin and Kandice) seems to hate them.  Except me.  I spent the last several minutes of the episode holding my breath tonight, praying that Danny and Oswald wouldn't be eliminated.  It was very close, thanks to a poor detour decision on their part, but tonight was the final non-elimination leg of the race, so we've still got my favorite team around, at least for one more week.

Makes me even more curious about the production of the show, and how much is pre-planned vs. winging it as they go along.  Because I have to believe that if the boys had shown up half and hour earlier (or less, but I'm padding the time right now) it WOULD have been an elimination leg, and Eric and Danielle would have been eliminated.  Otherwise, how lame would it have been for them to show up at the pit stop, serve a thirty minute penalty, and then have Phil say, "April Fools!  You aren't eliminated this leg!"  So did the production team not know it would be a non-elimination leg until they knew that Eric and Danielle would not come in last place?  These are the sorts of places my mind goes.

So next week the final three will be determined.  I hope it's Dustin and Kandice, Danny and Oswald, and Charla and Mirna.  And then I want Mirna to be run over by a truck, so I can be happy with whichever team wins the race.

The Amazing Race All-Stars: Update

The past two weeks I've skipped blogging about The Amazing Race because of our vacation.  There was a lot going on worth blogging about, least of which is how much I hate Mirna, but there just wasn't the time and energy.

Then this week they spend half the damn episode in the airport finagling stand-by tickets, and the second half of the episode driving in circles around Hong Kong, so there is nothing to blog about.

Instead we pray.  That Charla and Mirna get eliminated next week, because I really don't want them in the final three.

The Amazing Race All-Stars: Episode 6

And then there were four.

OK, so really we're down to six at the moment.  But the fifth place team is probably more than 12 hours out of first place, and the sixth place team is probably close to 20 hours out of first place, so it's going to take some CRAZY clusterfucks for them to get back in the game.

I won't be sad to see either team gone, either.

Because of some spaced out plane flights, this week's episode turned out to be completely lacking of suspense.  Which allowed me to make a couple of observations:

1.  I think Dani might have a chin implant, in addition to the fake boobs.  It protrudes in a certain way and comes to a very sharp point that just does not look natural to me.

2.  Mirna uses this really annoying accent anytime she speaks to someone for whom English is not their native language.  I expect her to announce, at any moment, "That's-a spicy meat-a-ball!"

Finally, Charla and Mirna should be required to give back their first place prize this week for not showing adequate excitement at the mat.  Phil proclaimed that they would each be winning a catamaran, and they just stood there going, "What the fuck is that?" 

Please, don't let them come in first next week.  That would ruin my vacation that starts the next morning.